How Therapy Can Inhibit Healing

We’re so used to looking for people we trust to tell us how to do things.. and that can become our biggest problem.

Chewing gum, breathing into your belly, and grounding yourself are all really helpful practices.

But they can also become distractions.

When the racing thoughts start and you find yourself sweating, shaking, agonizing in your head.. the gum can bring you back to the present moment. To notice what you’re doing right now and take your mind off focusing on the anxiety.

But isn’t that a little bit like giving a baby a bottle when what they’re really crying for is a diaper change, or a hug?

The thing is.. you don’t really know what the baby wants, unless you really take the time to get to know their different cries and their body language.

If you keep popping a bottle into their mouth, sure they may stop crying, but they’re also learning to ignore the signs from their body that they have other needs in the moment. They’re learning to stifle those cues and distract themselves with the comfort of sucking and drinking/eating.

When your emotions and fears are impeding your life, it’s great to have these little practices in your toolkit. But what happens when that isn’t enough and you need another option?

We often go back to the therapist to rehash the same cycles, just in different situations, to learn more self soothing techniques or more theories to look up and ponder.

In this instance, the therapist has become the bottle.

How do we truly start to rely on ourselves (and trust ourselves) enough to make it through these difficult moments without needing to turn to someone to show us how?

Without needing to remove ourselves from the fears and force ourselves back to the present?

We do what we needed when we cried as babies. We get to know ourselves, our needs, and our body cues.

Think about it — in therapy we may learn really awesome tricks that do work, but they’re also taught to millions of people because they’re intended to work in a generic, broad sense.

When these overwhelming emotions happen, do this.

Oh, that’s just your nervous system being hot or cold. Do this. Come back to baseline.

But not every human is the same.. beneath the hacks of the nervous system.

We all have our own unique perspectives, informed by our pasts and still constantly being informed by the present.

That’s why we are born to mothers, whose sole job - along with the father - is to attune to our needs and help us know that we are safe and valued, no matter what. That we (and our emotions) Are a treasure.

The problem is, our therapists are not our parents. And their job only goes so far.

What if you could learn how to interpret the cues your body has been giving you, whether through fear, anxiety, overwhelm, or even shut down, and really start to see what it’s been telling you that you need?

This kind of learning is something that can often take YEARS in therapy, building rapport, strengthening trust, learning specific triggers, trying out new techniques, talking and talking and talking….

Don’t get me wrong, therapy can be a great thing. It can be a life-saving thing. And for those who utilize it when needed, I commend you for your vulnerability and your commitment to yourself.

But for those who have taken part and still feel like something is missing, or for those who feel it’s not for you, I invite you to look a little deeper into what I’m saying here.

What did you need when you were small and only knew how to cry?

What kind of nurturing or understanding was missing from your life when the best you could do was stomping your foot and getting louder?

Who was there to help you feel safe when something was terrifying or unknown? What did you need?

I am willing to bet that you didn’t need a piece of gum stuck in your mouth, or to name 5 things you could hear or feel.

And it feels extremely comforting now, to have someone to turn to who will listen and care about your problems, but so many therapists actually project their own needs of feeling useful or wanting to save people onto their clients and it becomes a codependent situation.

Those nervous system hacks help, and I use them with my own clients sometimes, but they go hand in hand with realizing that there’s a loss there to grieve. There are needs that weren’t met. There are authentic feelings that have been stifled. And there is a distinct fear of taking accountability that often keeps people stuck.

Stuck chewing gum, stuck avoiding difficult situations, stuck attracting chaos into their life, and stuck depending on someone else to teach them how to handle it.

I can help you listen to your heart’s cues, as you learn from yourself how you best handle it.

This is what my 12 week program was designed for. Peaceful accountability and self reliance in just 3 months. If you could start to feel confident in yourself and capable of handling whatever life brings moving forward, how would your life look different than it does now? I would love to hear about it.

You can always book a free chat with me here if you want to gain more clarity on where you’re at, or learn more about my work at www.yournorthstarrising.com.

Sending you love and respect, my friend, wherever you are on your journey.

-Ashana