The Fear that Tried to Take Me Down

The fear of not fitting in was a real doozy for me. And I actually just realized that.

I was listening to a session of Lifepath Manifesting, a program from my spiritual teacher that helps clear blocks that keep you attached to ego, and she mentioned that “hiding your true self from others doesn’t just mean hiding your faults and insecurities. Many times it also means hiding your beauty and your gifts.”

I realized that stepping into my gifts when I was younger would have been a real threat to the family system I grew up in. It was great when my mom could tell people that her indigo child could see auras, communicate telepathically, and talk to ghosts. Not so cool when that indigo child was telling mom that her addictions were killing her slowly and consuming the lights of the people around her. '

When I really thought about it, it became clear that many of the “strange” things I did as a teenager and young adult — the things I had no explanation for — were mostly ideas I got from other people.

• I decided to randomly lose my virginity one day because it seemed like everyone else in my grade was doing it, and my favorite book character at the time was my age when she decided to do it.

• I stole a bra from a store because the girls I was spending the night with did it too, and they acted like it was almost expected, if you wanted to be a part of the group.

• I developed an eating disorder because I read books and saw videos of other people restricting their diets, and the level of control they had over their life and their body was appealing to me.

• I drank alcohol on the school bus one morning because the adults had all been drinking alcohol the night before, and they made it look so desirable and fun and laughed at us when they sent us to bed. I felt left out and uncool.

To some people, some of these may seen as rites of passage. To me, they were life altering moments. Without a safe home base to come back and discuss these experiences, to really examine them and learn from them, I was left to feel the shame of the punishments that came instead. No curiosity, no compassion, no benefit of the doubt that my true character was still precious, that it was only my actions that showed I needed guidance and understanding. So the spiral of shame and self destruction only continued.

I don’t think I would have actually done any of those things if I hadn’t seen others doing them. They weren’t even ideas in my mind. I wasn’t interested in sex. I had a training bra that worked just fine. I had never looked at my body with judgement before. And I certainly didn’t ever think that I would be drinking alcohol. I threw my mom’s cigarettes in the toilet when I was 5 — because I could feel and see what the addiction was doing to her energy field. I just didn’t know it ran deeper than the cigarettes.

My point is that I didn’t have the acceptance and love to be my true self at home, so I had to look elsewhere to find my place.

Since I was small, I would listen to people, watch their behaviors, notice their interactions, and I would butt in and tell them easier ways to do things. “If you just work on this, you’ll be able to do this.” Friends would have me do card readings for them, but I wasn’t using the cards. I was telling them what I felt and saw when I looked at them, and the cards were just a focal point. I looked at people and I saw their past. I felt their pain. I told them what I saw, and they were always grateful. Someone sees me. Someone validates me. Someone agrees that this is a struggle. Someone can tell me what to work on. A starting point.

This trick wasn’t always appreciated in childhood. When my dad was being abusive and I refused to cry - You won’t make me cry. I don’t consent to that. You can beat me all day long but I know I didn’t do anything to deserve this. He wouldn’t hear what I was actually saying: this is wrong, this is painful, this is ruining our relationship. This won’t bring you peace or power. This only brings more suffering. You’re losing my trust and convincing me I could never even earn yours.

When my mother and brother would have screaming fights in parking lots and I didn’t take my mom’s side — You’re the one who is supposed to soften. You are supposed to hear his needs, you’re his mother. He’s not the enemy, he’s just copying the way you’ve spoken to him and that’s why you’re struggling, he’s just a scared little boy right now…. Those words weren’t always what people wanted to hear.

So I stifled that side of me and I sought comfort in other ways. I learned to fit in where I could. I copied the people in my books. I copied my peers. I tried to make friends. I tried to be cool.

Some people may say, “You were a teenager. You should have known by then not to do those things.”

And to that I would say, you’re absolutely right. I should have already known by then that my interests, gifts, and talents were safe to express. That my needs would be heard. That I fit in with my family and could safely feel like a part of the pack. I shouldn’t have been seeking to fit in elsewhere, anywhere, mimicking book characters and strangers to try to form an identity.. since the one I already had, had been deemed unsafe.

Some people may say, “You’re being too sensitive. Let it go. Your parents had a hard childhood too.”

And my answer to that? You just told me the root of the problem, right there. They had a hard childhood. They were treated that way, too. They’re just doing what they were taught to do. So doesn’t that mean the answer is to stop following that pattern??? It’s not “being too sensitive” to say these things. It’s fucking brave.

My experience may be more extreme than others, but I decided that I’m not going to sugar coat what I went through anymore. I’m not going to change my words in order to help people feel more comfortable when they read it. What I went through as a child was excruciating to me. It was lonely and heartbreaking. It crushed my spirit and it caused me to struggle.

And what kind of coach would I be, if I told my clients that all of their feelings and memories are valid as-is, but didn’t offer that same grace to myself?

Allowing space for authentic emotions is necessary to get through them. Not past them, not around them, not avoid them altogether. But to make it through feeling them and come out the other side, alive, compassionate, with a greater understanding.

If someone.. ANYONE.. in my childhood had seen me as more than a rebellious teen and reassured me that I was accepted, seen, and safe, and if I had been able to have that consistently and believe it to be true…

But that is not what happened. And honestly, these days I’m kinda glad it didn’t. I don’t feel shame for those things I did anymore. Because if I didn’t have that story to tell, I wouldn’t have such an awareness of how important it is to feel safe at home. To be who you truly are. This is the way it played out for me, and maybe it can help someone see their own shame differently, when they read it.

Suffice it to say, I’m not struggling anymore. I am definitely okay. It doesn’t pain me or even bring me relief to write about these things. I just write when I feel a nudge to, and see what comes out. Because for once in my life, I’m not trying to fit in anywhere. I’m just being me, and allowing space for my gifts and my beauty.

And I truly want to see a world where everyone feels free and safe to do the same.

With love,

-Ashana

PS- I don’t do card readings anymore, and I’m not in the business of professionally reading auras, but I do have a knack for life coaching, especially for people who struggle after trauma. If this resonates and you want to chat further, you can book a free clarity call with me here. I’m rooting for you, my friend.