The Art of Cycle-Breaking

People are quick to claim the black sheep identity, but the truth is that breaking dysfunctional patterns isn’t always so catchy and pretty. Here’s how to look for the message in the mess.

Have you ever noticed a habit you don’t love—a trait you desperately want to change—but felt unsure where to start?

That realization can feel icky. Like a prickle at the back of your neck, almost as if someone is watching, waiting for you to mess up.

You don’t want to be impatient or critical, but sometimes you snap at people—or silently judge them—even though you see yourself as kind most of the time.

Or maybe you don’t feel much like certain family members, but… yikes, you catch yourself acting just like them.

There may be a pattern playing out in your behaviors and actions, but it almost feels like it’s out of your control, because you just keep doing it. Then comes the shame.

Shame starts small but grows roots. If you can’t reason it away, it lingers and takes over.

Everyday tasks become a struggle, and chasing big dreams? That feels impossible.

Over time, the constant battle exhausts you. Trying to be your best self all the time wears you down until you wake up already defeated—helpless to patterns that feel inescapable.

Moms are just gonna be worn out and depleted.

Women are just supposed to be over-emotional and illogical.

People with anxiety are just going to feel burned out and afraid, most of the time.

I’m here to tell you friend, this does not have to be a reality. There is a way out.

To break free, we must first acknowledge a hard truth:

Feelings of helplessness can trap us in a never-ending cycle.

And the only way to break a cycle’s momentum is to knock it off course.

It’s simple science, right? An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and direction unless acted upon by an external force.

==> (This means that you’re not going to see a change in your behavior if you keep doing the same things you’ve been doing, with the same beliefs you’ve been believing. It’s just not gonna happen.)

Even if you read 20 self-help books or take a communication class, the fear of losing your temper may still lurk beneath the surface, ready to pop up.

Or the fear that you’re not a great mother will be eating away at your confidence, even if you’ve watched a million gentle parenting videos and perfected your “I’m not upset, I’m just overwhelmed” voice.

Here’s the truth: your energy doesn’t lie, and others—especially kids—can feel it. This could be why you sometimes feel disconnected or misunderstood; it reflects the fear still lingering beneath the surface.

So, what gives? What can you do?

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Fear.

You’ve identified the behavior. You’ve tried to change it, but the results haven’t stuck—otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, reading another self-help post.

The truth is, the fear or shame is still there, and your energy doesn’t lie. People sense it.

What’s your worst-case inner dialogue? That you’re a phony? A bad person? Take a moment to face those fears. Write them down, if it helps. What are you really afraid of?

That you’re a horrible friend, a bad mom who’s ruining her kids?

Let that thought surface for a moment. Set it down and really look at it.

Do you really believe this is true about yourself? 100% of the time?

Have you ever acted in a way that was genuine and clear, that debunks this statement and shows that you’re capable of being kind, patient, loving, etc.?

If you have, then congratulations — you know that the fear of being a bad person is not rooted in absolute truth. You know that you are capable of the opposite. and with that truth, you’ve taken your power back.

(If you haven’t ever acted in a way that was genuine to your desire of being kind, patient, honest, etc., then I highly recommend taking a look at the Healing From Narcissistic Relationships program from Liana Shanti. You are likely recovering from exposure to narcissistic abuse and would benefit from the energy healing in that program to help you move forward with these kinds of exercises).

Step 2: Challenge the Narrative of Helplessness

Once you admit that you can embody who you want to be sometimes, it’s easier to admit that maybe there’s some fuckery going on in your head, preventing you from living that truth consistently.

You’re not evil or incapable of being your best self. Something is blocking you from believing it’s safe to try.

As a child, were your bold ideas met with encouragement—or were you warned to be careful, not get your hopes too high? What if your dreams clashed with family or cultural norms? Did stepping outside the expected role feel impossible?

What if your dreams were so unique that no one believed in them, leading you to silence your aspirations and conform to expectations?

I want you to think for a moment, about how many years of your life were spent following the rules that others laid out for you, or waiting for someone else to tell you what to do (or how to do it).

Did school allow you to follow your creative instincts, speak freely, or even go to the bathroom when you needed?

How much of your life have you truly spent embracing your full power, without worrying about outshining or offending others?

Thinking about having the sole power to change your life and manage your energy can feel intimidating.

Living with learned helplessness is daunting—especially if you experienced abuse, criticism, or neglect growing up. As kids, we depend on caregivers and want to make them proud. But when nothing we do seems to measure up, we start to feel powerless, like our actions don’t matter and vulnerability isn’t safe.

Step 3: Flip the Script

Instead of “I’m afraid I’m a bad person because I keep doing things that are rude or undesirable,” what if you flipped it around:

“I keep doing undesirable things because I’m afraid to believe that I’m actually a good person.”

Or instead of, “I’m an awful mom because I keep losing my temper with my kids,” you can take a look at,

“I lose my temper with my kids because I want to be able to say I’m a bad mom.”

I know. Who in their right mind would WANT to say these things??

But when you flip them around like this, you really start to take your power back from the situation. Because the truth is, you have the power to completely change the trajectory of your life, and it starts with little moments like this every single day.

If you can cut through the shame that keeps you stuck feeling helpless to the situation, and start to look at it from a different perspective, you’ll see that your brain switches into a mode of curiosity and alternative solutions, rather than doing the same old thing and repeating the cycle.

What could be the possible reasons for not stepping into believing “I AM A GOOD PERSON?”

Did someone always tell you otherwise? Would it steal the spotlight from a parent, partner, or friend if you truly stepped into your most vibrant self?

Why would you ever WANT to say that you’re a bad mom?

Does it help you fit into a group of moms who constantly engage in self-deprecating gossip? Would embodying an awesome mom force you to find inner safety in a situation that brings up feelings of past hurt or fear? Maybe you’re not confident in your ability to do that because no one ever taught you?

Step 4: Find the Lesson

Maybe there is a message of, Slow down. Be present.

Or perhaps, You’ve felt this way for a long time. Maybe it’s time to realize you didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

These messages are entirely unique and individual, but one thing is certain: there is always more to the situation than we tend to believe in the heat of the moment.

Overwhelm may feel like waves crashing over you, threatening to pull you under. It’s tempting to just throw up your hands and say fuck it.

But that moment will pass — and it can bring absolute clarity, if you’re open to it. As Albert Einstein said,

“Adversity introduces a man to himself.”

I’ve faced a lot of adversity—hard things no kid should endure. My temper and inability to stay calm in tough moments ultimately reconnected me with my inner child. I’d spent years suppressing my needs, stifling my rage, and pushing past my instincts. I lost touch with the brave, determined little girl who had big dreams, and the tender, scared girl who just wanted to be held and told everything would be okay.

I might have kept pushing through life, ticking off to-do lists and silently carrying the weight of feeling alone. But my mood swings forced me to confront the lost parts of myself I’d been ignoring.

Learning to find the messages and respond with care instead of shame took practice.

The great news? Now I get to help others do the same.

The Journey to Feeling Powerful

One of the central themes of my 12-week healing program, Journey to Self is the concept of feeling Powerful versus Powerless. We look at our range of emotions on a scale ranging from total apathy and meaninglessness, to gratitude, connectedness, and joy. In the program, I guide you through exercises that help you see the repetition of these Powerful and Powerless times in your life.

When did the theme of feeling helpless first start intruding upon your sense of curiosity and creativity?

How did the grip of anxiety really start taking its toll on your ability to feel wonder and joy?

What do you need, in order to feel safe leaving that behind?

I guide you through these objective journeys, on a gentle quest to meet your truest self. The one who’s been reaching out to talk to you, sometimes in the most unexpected ways.

Stuck on the emotional merry-go-round, I felt lost. Self-help books weren’t cutting it, and my relationships felt strained. Prioritizing my peace was hard—but it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and the people I love.

Ready to make this shift? Book a free call or explore more of my work at www.yournorthstarrising.com. Whether you work with me or someone else, know this: you’re not broken. You’re just processing what you weren’t equipped to handle before.

In love and gratitude,

-Ashana