There is No Failing in Healing

You think the problem is that you’re not doing enough. But the truth is that you’re actually doing a really good job, at way too many things.

Can we just talk about the elephant in the room for a second?? That feeling I know we’re all familiar with, that we are not quite measuring up at any given moment? It causes us to go to sleep at night feeling like we just didn’t hit the mark. Or maybe we skated through but it sounds like bliss to just be unconscious for a few hours before we have to wake up and try to do it all over again..

If you could just read the right self help book..

Find the right meditation practice…

Memorize your partner’s needs and habits so you can make their day easier..

Raise your kids like the moms you see on tiktok…

One more yoga class. One more diet change. One more water drinking challenge. One more mindfulness app.

This constant consumption of content, the continuous cramming-in of more information to analyze and overcome, it’s killing you slowly.

It may not seem like it, that new diet may have helped you feel bursts of energy again. Or hell, maybe that’s the slow drip of caffeine throughout the day, but still. You’re hanging in there. Right?

What about your impending sense of doom as you age each year, looking in the mirror and no longer seeing the young, carefree person you once were? Or the slow realization that’s been coming on for a few years now, that you didn’t really accomplish all the things you thought you would, and now you’re not sure if that’ll ever happen?

Sure, gratitude in the moment helps, all the beautiful parts of your life are such a blessing.

But why do you still feel this sense of sadness, tinged with worry? Like you didn’t quite get something right?

Those are the pleadings of your child self, asking for attention but diligently staying in the background so you can keep feeling like you’re running the show.

But here’s the thing. Those sudden bursts of emotion that leave you feeling worn out, disconnected, and sometimes ashamed?

Those are the moments when the pleadings of your inner child have come front and center, and taken full control over your ability to function as an adult.

That’s why it’s such a helpless feeling. A feeling you don’t quite know how to deal with.

As a child, you were helpless. And at times you didn’t have the words to say what you needed.

So you go on feeling that way now.

It creeps in when you least expect it. But it leaves a mark on your life that colors everything with a particular sense of “not enough.” Or, in the case of overstimulation, perhaps a sense of “everything is too much.”

The theme looks different depending on your individual needs and emotions, but I know you feel what I’m talking about.

When I get on the phone with a client, I can typically listen to the things that have been weighing on them, and get a sense of the theme of their issues within a few minutes.

It’s not always a specific word or an emotion that can be described. It’s a feeling.

An aching, a twinge, a gnawing dread, a disabling fear.

A lot of times I am able to just sit and listen, and then offer a few pieces of feedback at the end. There’s not always something you can “do” about this. You can continue to take action in the direction of your goals, but there comes a time when the theme has come so fully into open awareness that it must be felt.

This is when my client has realized something that they feel needs to be looked at. If they want true peace and happiness, they must face this “thing.” The facing of a huge thing like this can be so cathartic. I can’t really help with that part of it. A person can’t feel things for you.

But 100% of the time, I do have a piece of feedback that seems, more often than not, to help that process along in some way, whether by allowing space for tears to come, or by simply helping them feel seen for the first time.

I remind them:

You’re doing SO much. This is a lot. It’s okay to feel tired. It’s okay to feel like you want to say “fuck it all.”

You’re not failing. You’re finding yourself.

It’s okay to let a few chips fall while you figure out what’s most important to you.

It’s okay to never want to pick some of them back up.

It’s okay to decide that you still want to handle all of them.

But I hope you don’t forget how brave it is either way, to have carried on the way you have, to have kept surviving and doing your best. There’s no competition in that. You did it the way you knew to do it, and you’re getting curious with it now. You win the gold medal when you come into greater awareness of yourself, every time.

Thanks for being here.

-Ashana.