Neglect Begets Neglect
Tired of feeling like you don’t have the time, energy, or resources to care for yourself properly? My story may be extreme, but I was, too…
I used to experience a sense of “dirtiness” that followed me around. It didn’t matter what kind of clothes I put on, or how long ago I had gotten a pedicure. I felt like my clothes always looked wrinkled, my car always got embarrassingly dirty, and even if I wore a new outfit it would always end up with a fresh grease stain on it from some kind of food.. even if I was super careful. One of my signature phrases was, “I can’t have anything nice.”
Typically I would just keep over-performing, constantly cleaning and tidying things so that I didn’t have to sit and feel that dirty feeling. But every once in a while I would have a vulnerable moment and essentially crumble to the floor in tears.
Why did I always feel unclean?? Why did I feel like everyone else walking around was so much better taken care of than me??
I didn’t have the time to go get regular facials, much less the funds to do so. So my pores stayed gross. By the time the house was clean each night, I really didn’t even care enough to shave anymore. A quick shower would suffice, so I could fall into bed. And wouldn’t it be so nice to just have a regular housekeeper to come in and keep things looking decent, since I couldn’t keep up with the daily dirt and grime that seemed to cover every surface of my home??
There were quite a few layers for me to dig into here.
Poverty consciousness that had been taught to me by my parents
Comparison to others to feel acceptable or “enough”
The feeling like I needed to be/look perfect in order to be worthy of taking up space
The helplessness that comes with a lifetime of feeling disempowered and like a victim to life
Negative self-talk that only reinforced this belief that I, as a person, was dirty or undeserving
A near obsession with cleaning as a form of passing time and avoiding my emotions
Some people may read this story and say, “Okay, OCD. And?”
But there was this excruciating feeling, this urge to figure it out so I could stop doing it. Make it better. Fix it. Feel clean.
I didn’t want to get away from the dirtiness, I wanted to fucking obliterate it into neutrality.
So why am I telling you all of this??
To illustrate the complexity that individual healing can bring. I had so many contributing factors that came up for me as I sat in the feeling of being dirty and needing things to be clean around me:
Growing up with cockroaches in my home
Living in a shelter home where I shared a dresser with a girl who pooped in her underwear and put them back in our drawers
Wearing clothes from the lost and found at school because I got myself dressed every day and we didn’t have anything clean
Having to clean as soon as I got home from high school each day, never able to be caught relaxing or enjoying myself
Having to wash every single dish in a 6-person home because I accidentally left a spoon dirty the night before
Listening to my family always talk about how my grandmother was a hoarder and that clutter was trashy
Reading a legal affidavit stating that my mother would leave me in soiled diapers and ignore me crying for hours when I was a baby
Sexual abuse that caused me to feel a sense of shame from the inside out, even though I didn’t remember all of it
Remembering a girl in 7th grade history class who turned around and looked disgusted one day when I accidentally touched her hair with my books
Wearing my dad’s hand-me-down clothes and being made fun of by the other kids, thinking their compliments were genuine until they started laughing at me
Prior to this, I had little to no memory of many of these things. I maybe remembered the cockroaches and the chores, but that had just been “normal” to me. Nothing to be a big baby about.. right?
This is an example of how the stoic, distorted-masculine-energy-centered culture teaches us to just shoulder our burdens and look at things as normal. It doesn’t matter. Take it in stride. Just keep going. Your childhood is in the past. Everyone struggled.
I’m here to say, NO NO NO. That energy is ALL WRONG.
I know MY examples may seem extreme to some people, but I invite you to sit and take a look at themes that may show up in YOUR life, such as the lack of time or ability to take care of yourself. In what ways did you possibly feel neglected as a young child? As a school aged kid? As a teenager? Did anything ever cause you to feel less than, or unworthy of being noticed? Or maybe you got too much attention in negative ways, and internalized shame as a result?
I don’t know your specific history, and that’s the heartbreaking beauty of this work. People have experienced things that the rest of us may never know about. But the internal struggle from those experiences WILL find ways to creep out and show up externally.
I don’t agree with an OCD diagnosis for myself. Was my need for cleanliness obsessive? Yep. Did I do it compulsively when things felt overwhelming, out of my control, or tiptoeing on being too personal? Absolutely. Did it impede my daily living and make it difficult for me to function? Yes. But these behaviors had their roots in very specific memories. I was just helplessly trying to clean my way out of them, like a scared little child who didn’t have anyone to get me through it. I fell back on what I knew to do.
None of this is meant to bring shame, by the way. If you’re a person who doesn’t feel the need to prioritize tons of self care, and you’re okay with that — it’s awesome that you know that about yourself and are comfortable being authentic.
If you don’t necessarily prioritize self-care and this post may have triggered disgust or annoyance in some way — I think that’s awesome, too. Perhaps some small part of you recognizes something to feel deeper into on this concept.
My hope is that I can bring awareness to the idea that there is a root cause for so many of the issues we face, and for someone who doesn’t want to spend years in therapy or take medication, that realization can be life-changing.
For me, facing these root issues and naming them to myself was not enough. I had to really FEEL the depths of shame, fear, paranoia, loneliness, and crushing heartbreak that these moments had been trying to bring up in me. The way that I often process these things is through very intense periods of feeling that used to feel like death itself to me. But now I know to let the energy do what it’s here to help me do. To finally feel what I couldn’t before. That process looks different for everyone.
A lot of the time, simply beginning to look at the limiting beliefs we’ve held of ourselves is enough to start unraveling these patterns. Because, once you start to view yourself compassionately, they lose their validity. That’s one of my favorite parts of coaching in the way that I do: witnessing my clients follow the inner guidance to their unique process, recognize these things on their own, and share with me how they feel hopeful and empowered. There’s nothing like that feeling!
If you’d like support or to chat things through, if you’re ready to unravel some of these patterns for yourself, you can book a free Clarity Session with me through my calendar link.
If you want to start working on some of these deeper issues in a concentrated, supportive environment, you might check out my 12-week program Journey to Self. We have a new round starting soon, and I’d love to see you there.
Until next time,
-Ashana.
