One day I was asked a question about Jesus.

I feel so passionate about this exact topic and sometimes it’s hard to put my swirling feelings about it into words.. but I will start by saying that losing my religion was the best thing I ever did. I once cornered the preachers wife in the bathroom and asked her what she was so faithful about. What was it. What did it all mean. And she cryptically said “I just know.” And that drove me CRAZY. I had lived my whole life being the weird kid because I was so smart and did so well in school. I regurgitated info back onto people and they were so impressed by how smart I was. How much trauma I had been through and yet still performed so well. So why didn’t I understand this?? Everything had always come so easily to me. But then I saw some church people doing the exact things they berated others for doing.. things they had signed literally contracts on paper with the church, not to do. 

I had spent all those years beating myself up and believing I was going to be punished if I wasn’t perfect. I believed in the punishing god. Because that’s what the adults in my life had shown me. Not once had I been shown TRUE unconditional love. And that’s what our parents are supposed to do for us. SHOW us the love Jesus came here to teach. Jesus came here as a man, to show us the unconditional love of God IN HUMAN FORM. Jesus saw people make mistakes and he loved them anyway. He encouraged them. He did not punish them. So why had I grown up being punished and criticized and condemned and torn down for questioning authority? 

Jesus questioned authority. Jesus stared it in the face and told people not to be afraid of it. And he died for that. So why couldn’t I do it? 

I had carried on that fear of my authoritative dad, to the fear of the authoritative church. To fearing what others thought of me. To fearing the courts when I decided to homeschool. To fearing the law when I chose to birth at home. 

Jesus said not to be afraid. 

So I worked on that. 

Jesus said he loves me. 

So I worked on believing that. 

Jesus said let the children come to me. 

So I listened to the little girls still living inside of me who didn’t get that unconditional love from her parents and I let them show their emotions to me. Little Ashana who felt stifled, ashamed, fearful. I let her be those things. I cried in the kitchen floor. I journaled about how I didn’t know how to be a mom because I didn’t really have one to teach me how. 

I raged on and on about my abusers and pounded my fists into my yard. I let the anger out. 

I cleaned out my temple. I began to listen to my body. The pain it stored. The food I ate numbly but couldn’t digest because it was laden with chemicals. The coffee that made my heart race because I was so familiar with the feeling of fight or flight, that it felt comforting to me. 

I began to notice everything. 

I found my teacher and I began to heal my mother wound and father wound. I began to cut off narcissists in my life and learn to set boundaries for the first time ever. 

I learned that I have needs. 

I gave myself grace. 

I held myself accountable for the things I could change. 

And when I had emotions that felt too much, I let them just be too much. I felt them. And I talked to little Ashana and told her it’s okay, I’m here now, I’m my own mother and father now, and Jesus is always with me. 

If I feel envy toward someone it’s a hatred of something within myself. If I judge someone for something, I probably got judged for that as a child. Or wasn’t allowed to do it. Or heard someone express dislike of it and internalized that. Fear. Anger. Grief. 

It all had to come out. 

And Jesus said it was okay. And he loved me anyway. 

I just have to believe him. That I am worthy and that I’m okay. 

There is not a human on earth who can make me feel ashamed or less than. (Now.) 

But darkness is tricky and it can infiltrate the mind. So the spiritual battle is one we have to wake up and fight every single day. 

When thoughts come that I’m lost or wandering or not enough or a failure, I know those aren’t me. 

31 year old me knows cognitively that I’m safe. 

Little me doesn’t. 

So I comfort myself the way a mother would, and I take action steps each day. 

Hydrate more. Rest more. Journal more. Pray more. Spend the day with my kids and not do school if that’s what we need. 

I listen to my body. And I do my very best to clear my mind so I can listen more to Jesus. 

The church doesn’t always give a good example of how to do that. It’s easy to distract yourself from the work of becoming a healthier human when the church tells you that all you have to do is believe in God and you’ll go to heaven when you die. But we have work to do. Jesus was showing us how. Be gentle with yourself. Be honest with yourself. Don’t accept others’ judgment of you, and don’t compare yourself to others. Nobody is coming to rescue us, we are here to rescue ourselves and be the light for others. And the first step is believing we are worthy of doing that. Loving ourselves so we can love others. You can’t love anyone unconditionally while you secretly hate parts of yourself. 

I feel there is much more to this and like I said i struggle with putting it into words but if you ever want to sit and chat I could talk about it all day🥰 I am very passionate about making sure others KNOW that there is nothing wrong with them, that the world is a tricky place, and that this journey IS difficult. Jesus didn’t say it would be easy but he did promise we would get through it if we believe in his words. I think sometimes they just get misconstrued and we can fall back into shame and fear. 

You are right where you are meant to be, to learn the exact lessons you can learn right now. How can I serve? What is the lesson? And it always circles back around to gratitude. Every moment is a blessing and every interaction is sacred. You were chosen. You may not know why, but there are no mistakes. Sometimes it takes some digging to get to that, but it’s because our inner children are still afraid. That’s okay. Jesus said we should be more like children. We just have to let ourselves get back to that place of being trusting and curious, while comforting ourselves through the fears and all the self deprecating habits we have learned over our lives. 

Sometimes it really is as easy as asking myself, what would Jesus say or do? Personally out of love for me? And I do that. Because now that I’m an adult my mom or dad can’t do it for me.🧡