unworthy no longer.
striving for perfection, always. afraid to make a mistake.
afraid to let anyone see my mistakes.
always set a good example. be a good big sister.
“you’re the oldest. you have to set a good example.”
“why did you do that? i don’t understand why you would do something like that.”
i don’t understand either. i don’t know why i do anything that i do.
i look back on my life and i see a series of choices..
that actually didn’t feel like choices at all.
it felt like i was helpless to my actions, a little girl just trying to find her way in the dark.
and no matter what i chose to do, it was wrong.
i look at the evidence now and i see it laid out for me:
i chose to prioritize a boy over my own heart.
i walked away shattered— and shackled to the fear of what he can now still do to me.
i chose to focus on material values and perceptions.
i now struggle to define who i am because i was always performing.
i chose to live for others, or for money, or for approval.
i am all alone in facing the demons who are finally forcing their way out.
fears of meaninglessness.
i cannot shove them back in.
a sense of impending doom grows stronger each day.
as we face the future and see all the changes happening at double speed,
i know this is it. i know this is a tipping point.
all of those choices were attempts to swim instead of drown.
now, the current threatens to sweep me away
because i never learned how to even tread water.
i once heard that any animal can swim,
if it’s life or death.
survival is an instinct.
all of those choices i made felt like instinct.
but the foundation for love was never laid within me.
only groveling, placating, a syrupy sweet mimicry of self preservation.
what about the anger everyone spoke of?
what about the years i was called cold, heartless, selfish, uncaring?
i see myself as helpless, weak, and seeking approval.
they saw me as manipulative and calculated.
perceptions no longer matter. they’re all wrong anyway.
they don’t know me any more than i pretend to know myself.
it’s time for me to see who i really am.
it’s time to unleash that fury.
claws out, hackles raised, shackles cast off and walls burned down.
who have i been trying to impress?
what is approval, anyway?
whose standards matter?
the truth i can’t run from:
my standards are the lowest of all.
i became the voice of my own demons.
it’s been me all along.
i project myself onto others
because it’s hard to admit that i’m the one holding me back.
dragging me back down into the water.
i want to scream and throw my arms open wide,
cast off all of these burdens i’ve allowed others to heap upon me
the untruths that i have adopted— willingly
i want to stand in an acid rain
as it drips down my tightly coiled body
each raindrop an accusation, an insult, a snide remark
i can feel them all scalding me as i quiver in anger
a starburst of energy as i fling them all off of me
the rain can’t touch me
because i already burn with a fire hotter than the coils of any self imposed hell.
a longing boils deep within me
this constant, never-ending quest to be better, do better, accomplish more
driving me forward with an agonizing energy
that drains the very marrow from my soul.
too much to feel.
within, without, too much.
i explode.
i take my time to feel the decimation.
and then..
time to stand among the rubble.
the shards don’t even cut my feet
the pain was an illusion.
intense, excruciating, necessary.
but only a curtain, on the way through to joy.
the comfort i’ve been seeking lies in the aftermath—
the foundation is exposed.
the love was there all along.
the peace is in the rebuilding.
surrender.
