treading water

i’ve been going in circles lately. treading water, sometimes inching forward but often resting.. afraid to venture too far. comfortable in my old routine. there is a nagging on the fringes.. a slight twinge in my heart. i feel like i am supposed to be doing something but I’m not sure what. every morning i meditate. something is just beyond my reach. i am short with my husband. cranky. like a baby kitten, hissing at anything unfamiliar. i am not small, i am ferocious, don’t touch me. today i listen to father wound session 5. our inner children are terrified of change because they equate it to loss. is this why i am not moving forward? what am i going to lose if i let go of this story? if i stop criticizing others then i go back to criticizing me. i feel called to do an energy clearing.. healing from the pain of narcissistic abuse. there is a constant ache in my back. the muscles that hold me upright feel like they may grind away into dust. i see teenage me. she’s crying. she can’t even stand up. what’s wrong? i ask her. it’s too heavy. everything is too heavy. i’ve held it all. there was no one to help me carry the load. i’m here now, i tell her. let me help. but it’s too heavy for me too. it’s a lot. i can’t do this alone. i cry for my father. i cry for my mother. why didn’t they help me? why did they only give me more? i feel it all, and we cry. i feel so sad. i truly can’t carry this burden for her. all i can do is let it be lifted out of me and carried away. some loads aren’t meant to be held for so long. i’m not meant to do it alone. help me, Jesus. it hurts, but i let it go. i see that my husband has loved me and i have not felt worthy. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. after, i feel hungry.. not for food. i want something warm and calm. something slow. i grab my old, stained mug and i see the picture of my baby girl on the side of it. i made this mug in 2013 and her crooked baby grin has seen me through so many cups of comfort. today, it breaks me. my heart is so open. thank you, god. this love is almost too much to carry. it hurts. but slowly i’m clearing out the space. i feel it today: i cannot truly love others until i love myself. thank you.💗